Enough for now

Last winter I checked out.
I was gone.
Grief so deep in me I couldn’t find it, feel it, express it.
Sponge-like, sucking my emotions dry during those cold months.

I went through the motions of my days.
Downward dog,
Pigeon,
Warrior,
Even crow.
Breathing the Ujai breath. Bringing air far down to where my heart lay bound.

I was checked out.
Gone.
Didn’t accomplish anything.
Hard to get things done when you’re not there.

And then finally,
A last straw.
Another loss.

I screamed-cried-yelled
In the house by myself.
One long hour.

Then I breathed,
Ujai, the victorious breath.

Days later, miles away, I fell alone to the sand on a beach, couldn’t go on.
Ocean winds tracking tears on my cheek
Drained at last.

Present.

The opening up is so incremental,
The intensity of each minute change enough for the time being.
All I can handle.

Spring
The bulbs came up
Nothing really has ended
It just changes, grows
As I do too

A psychic tells me to wait.
“Heal Mama”.
That I have to grow before the things I want will come to me.
That there is love and acceptance crossing over to me.
That I need to trust

“What am I supposed to become?
How am I supposed to be?
And please, tell me, how do I wait?”

“Put the ashes of your fears onto the water” she said
Let them wash away.

But I am afraid to do it.
Right now,
It is more than I can handle

I used to be able to write funny stuff.
But I can’t anymore.
Everything seems too important now,
Too much risk if I don’t attend to the things which my heart is opening to.

So I go through my days
Downward dog
Warrior
(Having given up on crow lately)

And I breathe, Ujai, the victorious breath.
Checking in.

And for the time being, this is enough for me.