Enough for now

Enough for now

Last winter I checked out.
I was gone.
Grief so deep in me I couldn’t find it, feel it, express it.
Sponge-like, sucking my emotions dry during those cold months.

I went through the motions of my days.
Downward dog,
Even crow.
Breathing the Ujai breath. Bringing air far down to where my heart lay bound.

I was checked out.
Didn’t accomplish anything.
Hard to get things done when you’re not there.

And then finally,
A last straw.
Another loss.

I screamed-cried-yelled
In the house by myself.
One long hour.

Then I breathed,
Ujai, the victorious breath.

Days later, miles away, I fell alone to the sand on a beach, couldn’t go on.
Ocean winds tracking tears on my cheek
Drained at last.


The opening up is so incremental,
The intensity of each minute change enough for the time being.
All I can handle.

The bulbs came up
Nothing really has ended
It just changes, grows
As I do too

A psychic tells me to wait.
“Heal Mama”.
That I have to grow before the things I want will come to me.
That there is love and acceptance crossing over to me.
That I need to trust

“What am I supposed to become?
How am I supposed to be?
And please, tell me, how do I wait?”

“Put the ashes of your fears onto the water” she said
Let them wash away.

But I am afraid to do it.
Right now,
It is more than I can handle

I used to be able to write funny stuff.
But I can’t anymore.
Everything seems too important now,
Too much risk if I don’t attend to the things which my heart is opening to.

So I go through my days
Downward dog
(Having given up on crow lately)

And I breathe, Ujai, the victorious breath.
Checking in.

And for the time being, this is enough for me.


  1. Thank you for this. Am presently checking out. What beautiful hope in your lines to trust and that growth is needed before the things that I want will come. Fingers crossed and one deep Ujjaji. Thank you. xxxxxx

  2. that I slohud check out Buddhism, and I am so happy to have discovered it!I attend meditations Wednesdays usually, and I’ve mostly been doing yoga just on my own, but I love the group experience. My town had a free/donation mindfulness and yoga center (in keene, nh) and I still haven’t made the trek out to one of the yoga centers around town, I have heard laughing river is great also.I attended a yoga session in the UVM gym but it totally didn’t gel with me, but maybe I’ll give it another shot with the instructor you mentioned!Thanks for such a human post! Namaste (I see you), Jakob Rooney

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