Enough for now

Enough for now

Last winter I checked out.
I was gone.
Grief so deep in me I couldn’t find it, feel it, express it.
Sponge-like, sucking my emotions dry during those cold months.

I went through the motions of my days.
Downward dog,
Pigeon,
Warrior,
Even crow.
Breathing the Ujai breath. Bringing air far down to where my heart lay bound.

I was checked out.
Gone.
Didn’t accomplish anything.
Hard to get things done when you’re not there.

And then finally,
A last straw.
Another loss.

I screamed-cried-yelled
In the house by myself.
One long hour.

Then I breathed,
Ujai, the victorious breath.

Days later, miles away, I fell alone to the sand on a beach, couldn’t go on.
Ocean winds tracking tears on my cheek
Drained at last.

Present.

The opening up is so incremental,
The intensity of each minute change enough for the time being.
All I can handle.

Spring
The bulbs came up
Nothing really has ended
It just changes, grows
As I do too

A psychic tells me to wait.
“Heal Mama”.
That I have to grow before the things I want will come to me.
That there is love and acceptance crossing over to me.
That I need to trust

“What am I supposed to become?
How am I supposed to be?
And please, tell me, how do I wait?”

“Put the ashes of your fears onto the water” she said
Let them wash away.

But I am afraid to do it.
Right now,
It is more than I can handle

I used to be able to write funny stuff.
But I can’t anymore.
Everything seems too important now,
Too much risk if I don’t attend to the things which my heart is opening to.

So I go through my days
Downward dog
Warrior
(Having given up on crow lately)

And I breathe, Ujai, the victorious breath.
Checking in.

And for the time being, this is enough for me.

Comments

  1. Carol Murphy says:

    Thank you for this. Am presently checking out. What beautiful hope in your lines to trust and that growth is needed before the things that I want will come. Fingers crossed and one deep Ujjaji. Thank you. xxxxxx

  2. Maka says:

    that I slohud check out Buddhism, and I am so happy to have discovered it!I attend meditations Wednesdays usually, and I’ve mostly been doing yoga just on my own, but I love the group experience. My town had a free/donation mindfulness and yoga center (in keene, nh) and I still haven’t made the trek out to one of the yoga centers around town, I have heard laughing river is great also.I attended a yoga session in the UVM gym but it totally didn’t gel with me, but maybe I’ll give it another shot with the instructor you mentioned!Thanks for such a human post! Namaste (I see you), Jakob Rooney

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