Enough for now
Last winter I checked out.
I was gone.
Grief so deep in me I couldn’t find it, feel it, express it.
Sponge-like, sucking my emotions dry during those cold months.
I went through the motions of my days.
Breathing the Ujai breath. Bringing air far down to where my heart lay bound.
I was checked out.
Didn’t accomplish anything.
Hard to get things done when you’re not there.
And then finally,
A last straw.
In the house by myself.
One long hour.
Then I breathed,
Ujai, the victorious breath.
Days later, miles away, I fell alone to the sand on a beach, couldn’t go on.
Ocean winds tracking tears on my cheek
Drained at last.
The opening up is so incremental,
The intensity of each minute change enough for the time being.
All I can handle.
The bulbs came up
Nothing really has ended
It just changes, grows
As I do too
A psychic tells me to wait.
That I have to grow before the things I want will come to me.
That there is love and acceptance crossing over to me.
That I need to trust
“What am I supposed to become?
How am I supposed to be?
And please, tell me, how do I wait?”
“Put the ashes of your fears onto the water” she said
Let them wash away.
But I am afraid to do it.
It is more than I can handle
I used to be able to write funny stuff.
But I can’t anymore.
Everything seems too important now,
Too much risk if I don’t attend to the things which my heart is opening to.
So I go through my days
(Having given up on crow lately)
And I breathe, Ujai, the victorious breath.
And for the time being, this is enough for me.